- To
- Anyone currently finishing your dissertation
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Finishing your dissertation
What to do instead of finishing your dissertation
Your dissertation has been 80% done since March. The last 20% takes the other 80% of the time, which nobody mentioned at the induction. When it's finished, it gets bound at the print shop in town, by a machine with half my qualifications and twice the respect.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHRebuild the bibliography in a different citation style, just to see how it feels.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why old theses were bound in leather and who was ever meant to read them.
- TANGENTAlphabetise your highlighters by how much they have let you down.…because supporting literature.
- NEW LIFEBecome a cliff surveyor, measuring the same crumbling edge every spring.…because ongoing research.
- FULL ABSURDITYDefend a sandwich before a panel of three mugs and a stapler.…because viva.
P.S. Your supervisor replies in six to eight weeks. I reply in under a minute, warm-up included. Nobody has offered me a doctorate.
Also avoiding
- Instead of writing an essayBuild a reading list of twenty sources and read only the titles.
- Instead of studying for examsSharpen every pencil to the same length and arrange them by confidence.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.
- Instead of preparing for a job interviewIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.