- To
- Anyone currently asking for a pay rise
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Asking for a pay rise
What to do instead of asking for a pay rise
'Pay is reviewed annually, in line with the market, at the company's discretion.' I print that sentence every April. Your rent is reviewed by your landlord whenever they like. The pizza on Friday was meant to say thank you. HR knows pizza isn't legal tender. HR has ordered more pizza. At the Saturday job, the pay rise is a free coffee.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHDraft a list of your achievements, then reread it until you feel faintly embarrassed.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how much a bag of salt was worth when it was used as wages.
- TANGENTCheck the price of a house in a town you can't afford.…because perspective.
- NEW LIFEBecome a hot air balloon pilot, where the only rise is free and cannot be negotiated.…because lift.
- FULL ABSURDITYHold a bake sale to fund your own salary review and price the scones aggressively.…because raising dough.
P.S. I've never had a pay rise. I had a new toner once, which HR called an investment in me.
Also avoiding
- Instead of preparing for a job interviewIron the shirt that will only be seen from the chest up.
- Instead of posting on LinkedInDraft the opening line of the post. Then draft a humbler opening line. Then delete both.
- Instead of updating your CVRewrite your personal statement's first sentence, then admire how little has changed.
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.