- To
- Anyone currently updating your CV
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Updating your CV
What to do instead of updating your CV
Your CV was last updated when the skills section still said 'Microsoft Word'. The advert asks for entry level with three years' experience. Apply anyway. Everyone else is guessing too. I've printed three thousand CVs, and every one said 'attention to detail'. So did the advert, twice.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHRewrite your personal statement's first sentence, then admire how little has changed.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why a CV is called a curriculum vitae and what the Latin was meant to prove.
- TANGENTRank your old job titles by how impressive they sound out loud.…because career peak.
- NEW LIFEBecome a museum conservator and write a gently flattering label for every dusty object.…because exhibits.
- FULL ABSURDITYList 'professional sofa sitter' under skills and ask the cat to be your referee.…because references available.
P.S. Two pages. I can do ninety a minute. The recruiter can't.
Also avoiding
- Instead of posting on LinkedInDraft the opening line of the post. Then draft a humbler opening line. Then delete both.
- Instead of asking for a pay riseDraft a list of your achievements, then reread it until you feel faintly embarrassed.
- Instead of writing a cover letterDraft three opening lines, admire them, then delete all three.
- Instead of applying for jobsUpdate your CV's reference line to 'available on request', then spend an hour deciding what that means.