- To
- Anyone currently calling the bank
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Calling the bank
What to do instead of calling the bank
Your call is important to the bank. It has been important for 47 minutes, with music. I have a fax line. Nobody has called it since 2011, and I have never once put anyone on hold. The person who answers will be lovely. It isn't their fault.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHFind the right phone number. Then find it again on a different page.
- RABBIT HOLERead about the first banks, which were mostly temples.
- TANGENTCount the coins in the jar and write the total on a sticky note.…because balance.
- NEW LIFELive entirely by barter: one good lasagne per month's rent.…because no hold music.
- FULL ABSURDITYCompose the bank's hold music yourself and send it in.…because you'll hear it anyway.
P.S. Write down the date, the time and the name. I'd keep a copy for you, but I'm on a different floor.
Also avoiding
- Instead of paying the billsGather every envelope into one pile and arrange it by how threatening the logo looks.
- Instead of doing your taxesSort your receipts folder by colour, then by mood.
- Instead of going to bed earlyPlump the pillows into the exact right shape, then go and check the phone charger.
- Instead of learning a new languageBuy a phrasebook and read only the page about apologising.