- To
- Anyone currently learning a new language
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Learning a new language
What to do instead of learning a new language
You're 412 days into learning Spanish and can now say 'the boy eats an apple' with real confidence. I can print in 43 languages. In seventeen years nobody has asked for anything but English and, once, Comic Sans.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHBuy a phrasebook and read only the page about apologising.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out which language has the most words for snow, and who counted.
- TANGENTOrder the foreign-sounding takeaway by pointing and nodding gravely.…because menu vocabulary.
- NEW LIFEBecome a subtitle writer for films nobody has ever watched to the end.…because reading between the lines.
- FULL ABSURDITYDeclare your cat bilingual and ask it to translate the fridge hum.…because fluency.
P.S. Your language app emails you more often than HR does. That takes some doing.
Also avoiding
- Instead of going to bed earlyPlump the pillows into the exact right shape, then go and check the phone charger.
- Instead of reading a bookFind a bookmark worthy of the book, then audition three receipts for the part.
- Instead of starting a dietRead every label in the cupboard and rank the biscuits by how much they have to answer for.
- Instead of trying to stop procrastinatingDraft a procrastination-busting schedule and spend the morning formatting its headings.