- To
- Anyone currently starting a diet
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Starting a diet
What to do instead of starting a diet
The diet starts on Monday. It started last Monday too, until HR booked a meeting with biscuits. Every diet in history began on a Monday, which may be why Mondays feel the way they do. I've printed the healthy-eating poster for the kitchen four times. Each time it goes up next to the biscuit tin, which wins.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHRead every label in the cupboard and rank the biscuits by how much they have to answer for.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how many calories the average person burns reading about calories.
- TANGENTVisit the supermarket for one healthy item and leave with a trolley of reasons.…because shopping list.
- NEW LIFEBecome a cake-shop window dresser, where willpower is tested for a living.…because temptation management.
- FULL ABSURDITYWeigh the fridge, the umbrella and the doormat, then publish the findings as a lifestyle plan.…because scales.
P.S. Food isn't a test of character. I've printed the dietitian's leaflet. It says so on page one.
Also avoiding
- Instead of reading a bookFind a bookmark worthy of the book, then audition three receipts for the part.
- Instead of trying to stop procrastinatingDraft a procrastination-busting schedule and spend the morning formatting its headings.
- Instead of making a to-do listSharpen three pencils to a uniform point, then hunt for a notebook worthy of them.
- Instead of going to the gymLay out your gym kit, admire it and fold it back up.