- To
- Anyone currently mowing the lawn
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Mowing the lawn
What to do instead of mowing the lawn
The grass has grown out of 'lawn' and into 'meadow', which some people now call rewilding. The mower is at the back of the shed, behind everything else in the shed. The weather was perfect yesterday. It'll be perfect again on Thursday, while you're at work. I printed the forecast. It was smug.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHCheck the forecast for a dry window, then a drier one, then give up and check again.
- RABBIT HOLELook up the record for the longest lawn-mower journey and how many service stations it needed.
- TANGENTRake up one single leaf and file it under autumn.…because the grass is long enough.
- NEW LIFEBecome a groundskeeper at a cricket pitch, where the grass is a personality.…because stripes.
- FULL ABSURDITYCall a meeting of the dandelions and ask what they need to feel heard.…because growth.
P.S. HR calls the overgrown bit behind the car park 'a wellbeing space'. HR calls everything that.
Also avoiding
- Instead of doing the Christmas shoppingBuild a gift list with columns for budget, recipient and regret. Leave every cell empty.
- Instead of cleaning the bathroomLine up every half-used shampoo bottle by height and decide which ones are 'nearly finished'.
- Instead of doing the laundryPair the socks. Give the singles a brief, respectful nod.
- Instead of cleaning the kitchenReorganise the spice rack alphabetically, then by heat.