- To
- Anyone currently doing your performance review
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Doing your performance review
What to do instead of doing your performance review
Your annual review asks you to rate yourself from one to five against the values on the poster in the lift. I printed that poster. I'd give it a three. You'll choose three too. Everyone is always three. Then the pay rise will be the fruit bowl.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHReread last year's review for tone, then draft a better opening adjective.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how many points a 'meets expectations' scale usually has, and why nobody trusts the middle one.
- TANGENTAsk a friend to rate your parking out of five and take notes.…because peer feedback.
- NEW LIFEBecome a wine-label copywriter, where 'robust with notes of potential' is a promotion.…because areas for development.
- FULL ABSURDITYAppoint your desk lamp as line manager and await its verdict.…because upward feedback.
P.S. I don't get reviews. I get a service. Last time the engineer said 'good as new', which is more than any manager has said to anyone.
Also avoiding
- Instead of clearing your inboxUnsubscribe from one newsletter, then read its farewell message in full.
- Instead of preparing a presentationTest the clicker on every wall in the building, just to be sure it reaches.
- Instead of doing your expensesFlatten every crumpled receipt under a heavy book and call it admin.
- Instead of filling in your timesheetWork out how many minutes you spent working out how to describe the minutes.