- To
- Anyone currently clearing your inbox
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Clearing your inbox
What to do instead of clearing your inbox
Your inbox has 4,812 unread messages, and three of them matter. I know which three, because people print the important ones and then leave them in my output tray for a fortnight. Inbox zero is a place people say they've been, the way people say they've seen a ghost.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHUnsubscribe from one newsletter, then read its farewell message in full.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why the @ symbol is called a snail, a monkey's tail or a strudel in other languages.
- TANGENTSort the real post on the doormat into piles of 'later' and 'never'.…because unread items.
- NEW LIFEBecome a sorting-office night supervisor, where the backlog is a sign of success.…because bulk mail.
- FULL ABSURDITYDeclare inbox zero a mythical beast and mount a small expedition to find it.…because nobody has seen one.
P.S. Any email that begins 'quick one' isn't. I've printed the attachments.
Also avoiding
- Instead of doing your performance reviewReread last year's review for tone, then draft a better opening adjective.
- Instead of writing the quarterly reportDesign the cover page. Three versions. Pick the first.
- Instead of fixing the printerSwitch the printer off and on again, then stare at it as if it owes you an apology.
- Instead of doing mandatory trainingOpen the training portal, check the deadline, and close it again feeling informed.