- To
- Anyone currently doing mandatory training
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Doing mandatory training
What to do instead of doing mandatory training
Your mandatory training is overdue. It's the same course as last year, with a new cartoon character and a quiz you'll pass on the second go. At the end you can print your certificate. Four people ever have. I remember all of them.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHOpen the training portal, check the deadline, and close it again feeling informed.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out how many fire drills it takes before people stop bringing their coats.
- TANGENTRe-read the laminated fire exit map by the lift, slowly.…because compliance.
- NEW LIFETrain as a flight attendant, and demonstrate the seatbelt to a silent, unimpressed audience.…because safety briefing.
- FULL ABSURDITYQuiz the stationery cupboard on data protection and mark its answers harshly.…because pass mark.
P.S. The fire safety module says not to stack boxes in front of the photocopier. It's the only bit I'd keep.
Also avoiding
- Instead of filling in your timesheetWork out how many minutes you spent working out how to describe the minutes.
- Instead of doing your performance reviewReread last year's review for tone, then draft a better opening adjective.
- Instead of writing the quarterly reportDesign the cover page. Three versions. Pick the first.
- Instead of fixing the printerSwitch the printer off and on again, then stare at it as if it owes you an apology.