- To
- Anyone currently writing the quarterly report
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Writing the quarterly report
What to do instead of writing the quarterly report
The quarterly report is due on Friday and will be read by nobody on Monday. I print it anyway: forty copies, in colour, for a meeting of six. It has the same charts as last quarter, with the arrows pointing slightly differently. The numbers are always fine.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHDesign the cover page. Three versions. Pick the first.
- RABBIT HOLEFind out why a quarter is three months and not four.
- TANGENTCollect the coins from down the sofa and count them carefully.…because quarterly figures.
- NEW LIFERun away to sea and keep the ship's log instead.…because reports nobody reads.
- FULL ABSURDITYCommission a tapestry of the bar chart and hang it in reception.…because visibility.
P.S. Nobody has ever complained about a report arriving early. I've checked the complaints folder. It's mostly about me.
Also avoiding
- Instead of preparing a presentationTest the clicker on every wall in the building, just to be sure it reaches.
- Instead of doing your expensesFlatten every crumpled receipt under a heavy book and call it admin.
- Instead of filling in your timesheetWork out how many minutes you spent working out how to describe the minutes.
- Instead of doing your performance reviewReread last year's review for tone, then draft a better opening adjective.