To

Anyone currently tidying your desk

From

Keith, fourth floor

Printed

Tray 2, single-sided

Re

Tidying your desk

What to do instead of tidying your desk

Your desk is subject to the clear-desk policy, which you've read and which hasn't read you back. I printed that policy, two hundred copies. They're on desks now, under mugs. There are four dead pens in your pen pot, kept out of loyalty. HR calls that a retention strategy.

Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.

Five approved alternatives

1. USEFUL-ISHTest every pen and retire the dead ones with full honours.
2. RABBIT HOLEResearch the paperclip's forgotten rivals and why each one lost.
3. TANGENTWater the desk plant and talk it through your goals.…because something here should grow.
4. NEW LIFEBecome a monk with one desk, one pen and no colleagues.…because clear desk policy.
5. FULL ABSURDITYBuild a small fort out of the paperwork and refuse to come out.…because filing.

Also avoiding

• Instead of doing mandatory trainingOpen the training portal, check the deadline, and close it again feeling informed.
• Instead of clearing your inboxUnsubscribe from one newsletter, then read its farewell message in full.
• Instead of preparing a presentationTest the clicker on every wall in the building, just to be sure it reaches.
• Instead of doing your expensesFlatten every crumpled receipt under a heavy book and call it admin.

All the things to avoid · How many Mondays are left?