- To
- Anyone currently vacuuming the house
- From
- Keith, fourth floor
- Printed
- Tray 2, single-sided
- Re
- Vacuuming the house
What to do instead of vacuuming the house
You've walked past the same bit of fluff on the carpet nine times this week, and it's starting to feel like a colleague. The hoover is under the stairs, wound into a cable knot that no qualification can untie. My cable is very tidy. I'm just saying.
Five alternatives, in order of escalation. I printed them single-sided, as instructed. Work down from the top. Number five was HR's idea.
Five approved alternatives
- USEFUL-ISHEmpty the vacuum's dust bin, then inspect the contents like a detective with no leads.
- RABBIT HOLELook up the largest recorded pile of household dust and who was brave enough to measure it.
- TANGENTStand very still and watch the dust settle in a sunbeam.…because it's only going to come back.
- NEW LIFEBecome a chimney sweep who only turns up for the photo opportunity.…because suction.
- FULL ABSURDITYName each dust bunny and enrol them in a very small parliament.…because they were under the sofa anyway.
P.S. Dust always comes back. It's the only thing in the house with any commitment, and I respect that.
Also avoiding
- Instead of doing the laundryPair the socks. Give the singles a brief, respectful nod.
- Instead of cleaning the kitchenReorganise the spice rack alphabetically, then by heat.
- Instead of washing the dishesStack the plates by diameter so the pile looks like a decision.
- Instead of cooking dinnerReread the recipe, then check the oven can still reach the temperature it claims.